Letters From Home Vol. 1
Dear Dicksmack-
The parking space outlined with the yellow stripes & and the funny looking stick figure is NOT for you. You see you do not have a funny looking stick figure license plate or hanging placard. You sir, are an ignorant prick and I hope the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. Then I hope your Lexus gets repossessed.
Hating you as I help the handicapped elderly woman into Friendly’s,
Mel
Dear Mother Nature,
Thank you ever so much for making the rain stop. I love the thing you are doing with the sun these days. It is in a word fabulous. Well, I am off to dismantle the ark.
Keep up the good work with the warm & sunny stuff!
Kisses,
Mel
Dearest Fatty Kitty-
This is your final warning! If you do not stop body slamming my bedroom door at night I will test the theory that cats really do have wings. Unless you want to fly knock that shit off.
Grumpily & in need of sleep,
The woman that feeds & protects you
To My Darling Canines-
I am not sure when you all decided to get part time jobs as gravediggers but here is the thing; my backyard is not a graveyard. I beg of you please stop digging it up or at least dig 6 feet into the ground someplace helpful, like over where I need to plant the new tree. In the meantime I promise to buy you all new toys if you promise to stop burying bodies in the backyard. Thank you all for you co-operation on this matter I am off to apply Tiger Balm to my aching back.
Sorely,
The Underpaid Landscaper
AKA Momma
Dear Worst Waitress Ever-
Newsflash: The old people typically have more money than the not quite 21 years olds. Since we have more money we are usually more generous with our tips. Keep that in mind for the future and maybe you will get more than a 50-cent tip. Which, by the way was WAY more than you deserved.
Enjoying the money I didn’t give you,
Mel
Dear Lady in the self checkout line-
Next time you decide to try out one of those “new fangled computer things” do it on your own time. More importantly do it when the store isn’t packed with grumpy people who just of out of work. Otherwise you are taking you chances and the voodoo chants? Totally NOT my idea. That was the guy behind me. He said something about turning you into the chicken you were trying to buy.
Late for Dinner,
Mel
The parking space outlined with the yellow stripes & and the funny looking stick figure is NOT for you. You see you do not have a funny looking stick figure license plate or hanging placard. You sir, are an ignorant prick and I hope the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. Then I hope your Lexus gets repossessed.
Hating you as I help the handicapped elderly woman into Friendly’s,
Mel
Dear Mother Nature,
Thank you ever so much for making the rain stop. I love the thing you are doing with the sun these days. It is in a word fabulous. Well, I am off to dismantle the ark.
Keep up the good work with the warm & sunny stuff!
Kisses,
Mel
Dearest Fatty Kitty-
This is your final warning! If you do not stop body slamming my bedroom door at night I will test the theory that cats really do have wings. Unless you want to fly knock that shit off.
Grumpily & in need of sleep,
The woman that feeds & protects you
To My Darling Canines-
I am not sure when you all decided to get part time jobs as gravediggers but here is the thing; my backyard is not a graveyard. I beg of you please stop digging it up or at least dig 6 feet into the ground someplace helpful, like over where I need to plant the new tree. In the meantime I promise to buy you all new toys if you promise to stop burying bodies in the backyard. Thank you all for you co-operation on this matter I am off to apply Tiger Balm to my aching back.
Sorely,
The Underpaid Landscaper
AKA Momma
Dear Worst Waitress Ever-
Newsflash: The old people typically have more money than the not quite 21 years olds. Since we have more money we are usually more generous with our tips. Keep that in mind for the future and maybe you will get more than a 50-cent tip. Which, by the way was WAY more than you deserved.
Enjoying the money I didn’t give you,
Mel
Dear Lady in the self checkout line-
Next time you decide to try out one of those “new fangled computer things” do it on your own time. More importantly do it when the store isn’t packed with grumpy people who just of out of work. Otherwise you are taking you chances and the voodoo chants? Totally NOT my idea. That was the guy behind me. He said something about turning you into the chicken you were trying to buy.
Late for Dinner,
Mel
Posted by Just Mel at 9:15 PM
1 Comments:
You are just too damn cute - I love reading your blog!!! You are my constant source of entertainment in my busy "I don't have time for that!" life. I'm so glad to hear about your upcoming appointment. We will all have to lavish you with magazines and Haggen Daaz! I'll miss you next week - will be sure to come back with lots of stories!
Love,
T.
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