Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Letters From Home Vol. 2

Dear Man driving the purple Ford Ranger-
Thank you for providing me with the best catch phrase ever. Honestly, I don’t anything that can sum up an emotion better than your “I Miss Styx” bumper sticker. Now, when someone tells me they are tired, hungry, having a bad day etc. I have a reply. Trust me “I Miss Styx” is ALWAYS an appropriate answer.
These are the best of times brother,

Dear Aroused Jogger,
Dude, do not pull your t-shirt down over your hard-on. I saw it/you as did the 500 other cars at this intersection. After all it is only one of the busiest intersections in Suburban Boston and it was after all rush hour. Seriously shit happens don’t make it look like you are trying to pitch a tent with your t-shirt. By the way I am sorry I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe but all I could think was “I could hang a hat on that thing!”
Still Smiling,

Dear Man on the Bike,
I am very very sorry we were laughing at you. That said a word of advice; have a friend video tape you biking from behind. They will agree with me 100% when I tell you that from that vantage point your ass shakes like a cement mixer. Combine that visual with the beeping of the actual cement mixer backing up and you have comedy my friend.
Sorry but still chuckling,

Dear Student Loans,
I hate you!! Now Fuck off and die!
Overdrawn. . .Again,

Dear Summer,
I am so happy that you have finally arrived at your destination city safe & sound. Sit back relax and enjoy your stay. Feel free to extend you stay as long as you wish.
Loving you,

Dearest Jeep,
I know that I take you for granted and for that I am sorry. But you must know in your heart of hearts that I have nothing but love for you. I feed you, get you routine check-ups every 3000 miles and generally try to be a responsible vehicle owner. Please let what ever this horrific noise you are making be minor. I don’t want to have to let you go just yet. When I say that I am going to use you until your wheels fall off it doesn’t mean I want for that to happen anytime with in the next 2 years.
Please let this be a small repair bill.

To the gas station attendant,
I am sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable in any way on Tuesday. But after you told me that filling my tank cost $60 I was flabbergasted. So it seemed only natural that when I handed you my debit card I let you know that “It really wasn’t that good for me.” Cause you know I felt a little well violated.
Truthful but sorry,


Blogger "Honey, I'm Home" said...

Now why didn't you take a picture of the aroused jogger, the man on the bike and the gas station attendants face? I can always use a good laugh one and a while.

Keep up the posts...since this seems to be the only way I can connect with you. :-)

We really need to meet up for that drink....MP

9:10 AM  
Blogger "Honey, I'm Home" said...

Why didn't you take a picture of the aroused jogger...then stop him and show it to him? Could be that he just did not realize...LOL

12:31 PM  

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