Any Questions?

Well today was yet another day that reality came up & bitch-slapped me. Today I reached the 1 week until I go under the knife point & I had the pleasure of getting pre-op blood work & such done.

My first appointment for a physical if you can even call it that went something like this. . .
PA: "Can you list any medications you are on"
Me: (Hands over prescriptions) "Here you go."
PA: "Do you have any questions?"
Me: "I did. I mean I do. Well I think. I had a list but I forgot the list and I don't remember what was on the list which is why I wrote the list. Oh I know my manicurists wanted to know if I could keep the acrylics on"
PA: "That should be fine. You may need to take any nail polish off & the betadine may stain your fingers."

This probably would have been a good point to ask if I am having surgery on my shoulder why would the betadine stain my fingers? Notice I said probably cause I totally didn't ask that instead my brilliance continued.

Me: "Oh OK. What about moving my arm? Am I going to be allowed to move it at all."
PA: "For the first week NO!! That is why I just gave you an imobilizer*. After that only in PT for several weeks."

Suddenly a light bulb goes off. . .Immediately my mind races to the basic day to day stuff that requires 2 hands. . .How am I supposed to dry my hair, put on makeup, tie my damn shoes, cut something I want to eat, eat ice cream out of the container? I digress. . .


Me: "Wait if I can only move my arm in PT for several weeks that pretty much leaves driving out of the picture."
PA: "We don't recommend driving until you have more you of your arm."
Me: "But I thought once the stitches were out I could drive."
PA: "Nope. Any more questions?"

At this point I wanted to scream that even though my mother has been telling me for the last 3 weeks I am not going to be able to drive for a month after the surgery there MUST be some mistake. I have been driving for half of my life. On days when I don't start the Jeep it thinks we broke up and little tears of washer fluid fall down its glass cheek. Not to mention how in the hell am I supposed to get to PT in MA? 3 hours away from where my parents live with no family down here & friends that have PLENTY to keep them busy & don't need me calling bumming rides.

Oh but the fun it does not stop there. . .

Me: "Um yeah what about a bra? Am I going to be able to wear one?"

****STOP LAUGHING IT IS A VALID QUESTION Remember the landscapers?****

PA: "No. Based on where the incisions are going to be a bra strap will only irritate the surgical area. Anything else?"

At this point the poor PA looked so uncomfortable because she was trapped in a room with the shallow crazy woman I said no. I walked out to my car going how in the hell am I gonna handle walking the streets wearing an imobilier, not wearing a bra or make-up with bad hair & betadine stained fingers. Then I started laughing hysterically cause that is one funny visual.

Then I got to my next appointment where they told me no alchol for 24-48 hours before surgery. I had to stop myself from saying "You're joking right?" cause for some reason Marie didnt look like the type of healthcare professional that would find that funny.



*an imobilizer is what happens when an arm sling & a straight-jacket have a love child.