Thursday, June 28, 2007

Get A Job You Bum!

Only I can't. Honest to god since I left my last job in April the thought of putting myself through that again terrifies me.

Lets be honest shall we? I do not handle rejection or change well. Rejection I can usually drink away the pain of. Change I have learned to accept as part of life. But my last job robbed me of something I haven't been able to identify & therefore have not been able to replace.

I accepted a position that I was overqualified for but I accepted it with the hope & promise of bigger & better things. This was a step up the ladder, a foot in the door. Only no one told me that after the honeymoon was over someone was going to take all the top rungs out of the ladder then step on my foot & slam the door closed.

I wish I could go into detail here about everything that happened but I am not tarnishing any ones name here other than my own (and Erica's on occasion) so I cant. I was treated poorly, repeatedly & when the adovan stopped working on my panic attacks so did I. I literally shut down.

First I slept for 3 days then I got drunk for about 7. Then I started calling people from my past so I could go back to a time when things were comfortable & familiar. Right now I am living a life very similar to the one I was living say 8 or 9 years ago. I am not working & I am broke but I am a damn happy unemployed waste of space!

I want to go back out in the world & get another big girl job I do but at the moment the very thought of doing that throws me into a tailspin faster than you can imagine. I am hoping the anxieties I have about going out in the big bad world fade soon. If for no reason other than so I can be myself again.