Monday, June 26, 2006

Why I think my landscapers LOVE Me

Or hate me depending on your perspective. My roommate & I had always taken care of the hardworking ourselves but two summers ago it got to the point where it was a pain in the ass. It was clear we had two options 1)Get a goat or 2) Hire a landscaper. We went with the second option; the money the landscaper would cost was far less than the cost of feeding and cleaning up after a goat.

Some phone calls and inquiries were made and we eventually found a local company that didn't laugh at our small yard. As a bonus we discovered they were capable of closing the gates when they were done! Two previous companies lost our account because that was too much to ask. And let me tell you nothing is worse than chasing a rottie around the neighborhood barefoot.

Each spring the landscape company begins their rounds and our day is assigned. Not a big deal. The crew usually shows up at some point during our assigned day & they usually knock first so we can bring in any dogs that may be outside. Sounds great right?

Let me set a scene for you, April of this year it was a beautiful day the windows in the house were open curtains were pulled back to let the air in. I had just gotten out of the shower and I was wrapped in a towel pondering what I was gonna wear. I finally decided what I was gonna wear, dropped my towel and looked up. When I looked up I looked right at this years landscaping crew!! I had the look, you know the one deer get when they are caught in headlights? Yeah that is the look I had. I recovered quickly, grabbing my towel & screaming for my roommate.

It is now June pretty close to July and the new crew of landscapers (I think I scared off the first crew) have resumed their mid-day visits and I have learned to draw the curtains prior to dropping my towel. Then Thursday night happened! Thursday night I got home from taking Jamaica to the lake and decided to get comfy. I took a quick shower, put on a tank top and boxers and once the dogs were settled outside for last outs I poured myself a big old adult beverage.

Now anyone who knows me well can tell you my hearing is not so good. If there is background noise I cant hear for shit. Sometimes a loud noise can be right outside the window & I have no clue where it is coming from. There I sat in my ass grove on the couch, getting to know my remote control when I heard what sounded like a lawnmower. Only it could not possible be a lawnmower since it was 8:30 at night.

Then I peered out the living room window. I think I said something along the lines of "What the fuck?" as I watched one of the kids head around back where I had 4 dogs out in the paddock with the lawnmower thingy. I FLEW out the front door totally forgetting about my outfit. You know the flimsy tank top that did NOT have any type of shelf bra in it & the piggy boxers from the Gap yelling "STOP DON'T OPEN THE GATE!!" Those that know me are laughing cause they know Mel without a bra is NOT pretty. For those that don't know me start laughing. . .A lot.

The kid on the lawnmower thingy stopped and said he would meet me around back so that I could give him the OK once it was safe & the dogs weren't out back. SO I go thru the house let in the dogs and waive the kid in. He proceeds to talk to me about each of the dogs as I start to realize that I am wearing a tank top, no bra & piggy boxers. I don't think I have been that red in the face in a long time. I just walked away, laughing hysterically that once again I gave the landscapers a show.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Letters From Home Vol. 2

Dear Man driving the purple Ford Ranger-
Thank you for providing me with the best catch phrase ever. Honestly, I don’t anything that can sum up an emotion better than your “I Miss Styx” bumper sticker. Now, when someone tells me they are tired, hungry, having a bad day etc. I have a reply. Trust me “I Miss Styx” is ALWAYS an appropriate answer.
These are the best of times brother,

Dear Aroused Jogger,
Dude, do not pull your t-shirt down over your hard-on. I saw it/you as did the 500 other cars at this intersection. After all it is only one of the busiest intersections in Suburban Boston and it was after all rush hour. Seriously shit happens don’t make it look like you are trying to pitch a tent with your t-shirt. By the way I am sorry I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe but all I could think was “I could hang a hat on that thing!”
Still Smiling,

Dear Man on the Bike,
I am very very sorry we were laughing at you. That said a word of advice; have a friend video tape you biking from behind. They will agree with me 100% when I tell you that from that vantage point your ass shakes like a cement mixer. Combine that visual with the beeping of the actual cement mixer backing up and you have comedy my friend.
Sorry but still chuckling,

Dear Student Loans,
I hate you!! Now Fuck off and die!
Overdrawn. . .Again,

Dear Summer,
I am so happy that you have finally arrived at your destination city safe & sound. Sit back relax and enjoy your stay. Feel free to extend you stay as long as you wish.
Loving you,

Dearest Jeep,
I know that I take you for granted and for that I am sorry. But you must know in your heart of hearts that I have nothing but love for you. I feed you, get you routine check-ups every 3000 miles and generally try to be a responsible vehicle owner. Please let what ever this horrific noise you are making be minor. I don’t want to have to let you go just yet. When I say that I am going to use you until your wheels fall off it doesn’t mean I want for that to happen anytime with in the next 2 years.
Please let this be a small repair bill.

To the gas station attendant,
I am sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable in any way on Tuesday. But after you told me that filling my tank cost $60 I was flabbergasted. So it seemed only natural that when I handed you my debit card I let you know that “It really wasn’t that good for me.” Cause you know I felt a little well violated.
Truthful but sorry,

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

A Rant. . . .

Lets face it I have a potty mouth. I use words like shit, fuck & damn like a small child says Momma & Dada. Use of foul language doesn't bother me to be honest I kind of like it. Face it, nothing drives a point home better that a good old "Fuck You" But when it comes to language I do have a HUGE pet peeve.

Some background: I have two nephews. Each has their own set of special needs. To some they are "retarded" or "slow." To me they are boys who have problems. They don't know life to be any different than the way they experience it and I could not imagine my life without them exactly how they are. Sure people ask don't you think it would be better if. . . C-Man wasn't autistic or if B-Boy didn't have CP and various other issues. I always answer "No, it wouldn't be better, it would just be different."

OK back to the rant here is a huge pet peeve. . .it irritates the living shit out of me when someone misuses the word retarded. For example "That rule is fucking retarded." or "Kristin is so retarded." or "What are you retarded?" I HATE IT when people do that.

When those words come out of the mouth of someone who is old enough to know better but clearly insensitive enough not to care I want to choke them. Why cant they think of something a little more appropriate to say, like "That is the most asinine thing I have ever heard." or "Kristin is the dumbest bitch I have ever met in my life." or "Dude that thing that you just did defies all logic."

To be honest, I don't care how a person describes their feelings towards an individual, a place or a thing or an act but for the love of god I beg of you please do not misuse the word retarded. It is offensive to those of us that care for and love someone whom has been diagnosed by a medical professional as "mentally retarded." Not to mention it makes you sound like an insensitive ass who obviously has a limited vocabulary.

People who lumped into a medical category as being "mentally retarded" did not chose to be the way that they are. I am sure if C-Man had a choice he would not have asked to be trapped in his own world struggling day in & day out to communicate even his most basic needs to those closest to him. I am sure if B-Boy were able to communicate other than with stiff and awkward sign language he would tell you that he would rather have control over his muscles so that simple things like walking were not so much of a challenge.

People who are mentally retarded or physically challenged do not say or sign that something is "So normal" or "so functioning" using the status of us regular folks as an insulting description. Hell they don't even tell us we are dumber than a bag of rocks when we don't understand them. All they do is love us with everything they have. These adults and children enrich the lives of those around them. If you are lucky enough to know one of these individuals you will begin to understand the world from a different perspective. Once you have that knowledge maybe, just maybe you wont be as dumb as a bag of fucking rocks or so fucking normal that you can stop misusing the word retarded.

~end rant. . .sunshine & happiness to return tomorrow~

Monday, June 19, 2006

It's like Baywatch only not really

Last night I decided that I was going to bring 2 of the dogs to the lake after dinner since it was like 200 degrees out it seemed like a good idea. I pulled into the parking lot and there were only 2 other cars there so it seemed a perfect night at the lake was to be had. We walked down to the beach, well i walked & Jamaica & Lazarus pulled and there was not a soul in sight.

When we hit the sand & I made sure that we were a good distance from the 2 fisherman I took the dogs off their leashes & let them run. Jamaica bolted straight for the water honest to God if you had seen her you would have thought the water was made out of steak or something. Lazarus has never really been swimming so he followed behind her slightly reserved. After a few minutes he got the hang of this swimming thing so I decided it was time to toss the tennis ball since Jamaica was jonesing to retrieve something from the water.

So I go into my bag & grab the tennis ball & toss it gently into the shallow water. The two dogs tore off after it. Jamaica of course got to it first & snatched it up. Laz apparently missed that Jamaica beat him to the ball and when he reached where the ball hit the water. . .he dove UNDER water and STAYED there.

I of course did what any concerned parent would have done. . .went in after him. When he popped his head up & started swimming back to me like "Hey Ma isn't this water stuff cool." the two fisherman started hysterically laughing. I of course turned bright red looked at my soaked stupid dog & started laughing.

At that very moment something caught Laz's eye & he swam off to the buoy line. He then tried to wrestle one of the buoys off the line & back to shore. After he splashed and dove and splashed some more I swam out to him & got him to follow me back to shore. Then I put him back on his leash.

The two fisherman gave us both a standing ovation and asked me if I would bring Laz back next week. Apparently they have not had that much fun fishing on a Sunday night since the couple went skinny dipping a few years ago. Then they offered me a beer & I told them I would be back next week.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Letters From Home Vol. 1

Dear Dicksmack-
The parking space outlined with the yellow stripes & and the funny looking stick figure is NOT for you. You see you do not have a funny looking stick figure license plate or hanging placard. You sir, are an ignorant prick and I hope the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. Then I hope your Lexus gets repossessed.
Hating you as I help the handicapped elderly woman into Friendly’s,

Dear Mother Nature,
Thank you ever so much for making the rain stop. I love the thing you are doing with the sun these days. It is in a word fabulous. Well, I am off to dismantle the ark.
Keep up the good work with the warm & sunny stuff!

Dearest Fatty Kitty-
This is your final warning! If you do not stop body slamming my bedroom door at night I will test the theory that cats really do have wings. Unless you want to fly knock that shit off.
Grumpily & in need of sleep,
The woman that feeds & protects you

To My Darling Canines-
I am not sure when you all decided to get part time jobs as gravediggers but here is the thing; my backyard is not a graveyard. I beg of you please stop digging it up or at least dig 6 feet into the ground someplace helpful, like over where I need to plant the new tree. In the meantime I promise to buy you all new toys if you promise to stop burying bodies in the backyard. Thank you all for you co-operation on this matter I am off to apply Tiger Balm to my aching back.
The Underpaid Landscaper
AKA Momma

Dear Worst Waitress Ever-
Newsflash: The old people typically have more money than the not quite 21 years olds. Since we have more money we are usually more generous with our tips. Keep that in mind for the future and maybe you will get more than a 50-cent tip. Which, by the way was WAY more than you deserved.
Enjoying the money I didn’t give you,

Dear Lady in the self checkout line-
Next time you decide to try out one of those “new fangled computer things” do it on your own time. More importantly do it when the store isn’t packed with grumpy people who just of out of work. Otherwise you are taking you chances and the voodoo chants? Totally NOT my idea. That was the guy behind me. He said something about turning you into the chicken you were trying to buy.
Late for Dinner,

Sunday, June 11, 2006

You cant pick your relatives

and dear lord there are days, weeks even that I wish I could. Dont get me wrong I love my family; in the way that one is supposed to love thier families. But good lord these people are batshit crazy. Someday we will get into the stories of the crazy and there are many. My favorite one is the time my father sold the house & went out & bought a new one only my mom she was away as in not around. But, as usual I digress.

I have an older brother for better or for worse he is my blood and I have his back. I would not be lying by telling you that my brother would sell me down the river for a nickel. Homeslice has no sense of loyalty, at least not to me. I remember being kids & getting my ass kicked form one end of the house to the other for something he did or didnt do. I also remember then getting my ass kicked from one end of the house to the other for him not covering my ass! He's a treasure I know, but to this day at the end of it all he is my drunk-ass brother & I've got his back.

He calls me tonight to ask me if I am comming home on Wednesday for the family dinner. Keep in mind I live 6 hours (round trip) away. I explain that it is with the deepest regret that I will not be attending my Aunts homecomming feast. So then my brother, the brainchild says to me "Oh so are you just gonna meet us at the airport when she gets off the plane."

The drunk-ass was actually shocked when I said flat out "NO" and wanted to know why. I was gonna ask him if he was stoned but then realized I already knew the answer to that. He totally was. However, he continued asking me why oh why wasnt I meeting my aunt, my fathers youngest sister when she arrived in town.

I took a deep breath and chose my words carefully between me & you oh internet I wanted to scream "Cause the woman hates me & everything that is important to me you dumb drunk-ass!! There is not enough vodka in the freaking world and I doubt you are gonna share you stash." Alas I exhaled & calmly replied "Dude, I gotta work. I am totally bummed I cant make it though."

Drunk-ass bought it hook, line & sinker!! Sucker! He even said he was sure the aunt that I havent talked in close to 10 years would be really upet that I wasnt there. (Keep in mind the only reason I talked to her 10 years ago was to take a mesage for my dad after I anwered the phone.) Of course I totally agreed because once again I want to make sure my big brother doesnt get hurt.

Who knows maybe I did the wrong thing by lying to my brother but in my heart I think I did the best thing for him. I told him what he needed to hear and left out what I wanted to say.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

I'm back. . . .

Wow don't i suck I start a new blog & I update that even less than the one I have had for a while now. Lets see I went up North and visited some old friends.

I could be a little off but I am pretty sure we were drinking. . .allot! There were other camera phone pics but I have no idea where they ended up. Honestly, I am not sure I want to know. Lets face it I am not looking so cute or so sober in this pic. By the way in case they think they got off without being associated with my drunk ass not picture are the Lovely Lainey & The Darling Rebecca.

I have not only been a bad blogger I have been a pretty crap friend. I up until recently had fallen off the face of the earth. I have not returned phone calls or text messages to new friends like Amy nor have I been all that supportive of friends I have had for what seems like forever. To those of you like the Working Girl, T & Mo that don't have blogs whose phone calls went unreturned I am sorry. It's not you; It's me. I suck!

My life kinda of exploded ending with a huge dog show that I was running that was held on Friday, June 2nd. Luckily it is over, now I can breathe just a little bit.

I have embraced singledom once again but am still dabbling with the eharmony thing. At this point that is more like a source of comedy in my life. Honestly if I cant get thru your profile without running from the room screaming how am I supposed to have dinner with you?

In the meantime there are always arrangements. . .THANK GOD!!